You are not gay. There is no such thing. Decades of scientific research have not come up with any evidence to support the idea that gays are "born that way", or that homosexual attractions are inborn. You have been lied to.
I started to realized though that if the "gay church" was correct, than that only meant that God didn't have a plan for my life at all. They provided arguments that the scriptural references regarding homosexuality were not concrete or relevant to modern understanding, but there was no evidence that this was some new kind of vocation or that my life would have any positive meaning or purpose due to these new loopholes.
I know what "falling in love" with a man feels like. The feelings are real and powerful and it feels good. It is seductive. But I also know what is really going on. Basically, I'm in love with a series of projections, a process in which a person attributes attributes of him or her self to other persons with whom they are in contact, and transferences, a process by which emotions and desires originally associated with one person, such as a parent or sibling, are unconsciously shifted to another person.
Over this past several years I've realized that I only feel homosexual feelings (romantic or physical) when I feel inadequate in my own sense of self or masculinity and/or when I perceive that another guy has the qualities (personality or physical) that I feel that I lack. It is impossible for me to be attracted to another male or female person (romantically or physically) without first seeing them as an Opposite of myself. Since I am undeniably a man (biologically and psychologically), attraction to another Man first requires a lot of insecurity about myself as well as a lot of false hopes and illusions about what the connection with the other Man will somehow provide.
In the bottom of my soul God was making the reality of my choices clear. For all my sweet words and manipulative talk to others about my sexuality ("I'm gay", "I can't help myself", "God made me this way", blah, blah, blah and all kinds of crap like that), I could no longer run from the truth.
After "acting out" with another man and regretting his seemingly compulsive action, the author of this piece chose to pray for Heavenly assistance about his actions. After doing so, he penned the following piece about his conflicting emotions which eloquently speaks for many facing similar challenges.
There is a normal desire for what we now refer to as male bonding. Men need the approval, acceptance and yes, even the affection of other men. We need to belong and feel we belong, hence a boy’s natural gravitation to gangs and teams of all kinds especially given the lack of influence and/or presence of a father in our lives. A man’s life can become very unbalanced without other male influence.
My husband struggles with same-sex attraction (SSA). I’m writing to share my experience in coming to terms with my husband's SSA.
COOL stands for Coming Out Of Lesbianism. I would like to share with you my COOL story. First of all, Coming Out Of Lesbianism was the coolest choice I ever made. Second of all, Coming Out Of Lesbianism was the smartest choice I ever made. Third of all, Coming Out Of Lesbianism was the healthiest choice I ever made.
I've seen too many people in the process trying to "subcontract" their personal problems to others, hoping that another person may give them a magical cure. The healing must come from within us.
I've been meaning to share some exciting news with you all. I recently got married to a wonderful wonderful young lady. I truly feel blessed to have her in my life (and that she said yes to marrying me!) and I am extremely excited about our future together. It has been a long and rewarding journey getting to this point. I look forward to the new adventures and challenges that marriage will bring to us.
Don’t let the title fool you - my orientation isn’t changing on its own. This is not an easy path, and at least in my case, not a short one. But since I’m aspiring to masculine wholeness as I understand it, including, among other things, marriage and children with happiness and real love (including a highly satisfying marital relationship with my future wife - in the spirit of the Torah), this marathon of a journey is worth every effort.
Only someone with the power to go one way has an equal power to go back
She was so loving and accepting. I realized how much I loved her and how much she loved me. My core emotion moved from sadness to incredible joy. The ability to be honest, open and authentic put me into such a joyful state, one that is difficult to explain. She asked questions, showing that she understood more than I had thought possible; I answered honestly. She gave me advice, and repeated over and over how her love for me did not change one bit. In fact, she said because I was able to reveal to her my inner self, her love for me was stronger than it had ever been. She now understood certain things about me that puzzled her before.