I started to realized though that if the "gay church" was correct, than that only meant that God didn't have a plan for my life at all. They provided arguments that the scriptural references regarding homosexuality were not concrete or relevant to modern understanding, but there was no evidence that this was some new kind of vocation or that my life would have any positive meaning or purpose due to these new loopholes.
Over this past several years I've realized that I only feel homosexual feelings (romantic or physical) when I feel inadequate in my own sense of self or masculinity and/or when I perceive that another guy has the qualities (personality or physical) that I feel that I lack. It is impossible for me to be attracted to another male or female person (romantically or physically) without first seeing them as an Opposite of myself. Since I am undeniably a man (biologically and psychologically), attraction to another Man first requires a lot of insecurity about myself as well as a lot of false hopes and illusions about what the connection with the other Man will somehow provide.