Written By: Rachel
COOL stands for Coming Out Of Lesbianism. I would like to share with you my COOL story. First of all, Coming Out Of Lesbianism was the coolest choice I ever made. Second of all, Coming Out Of Lesbianism was the smartest choice I ever made. Third of all, Coming Out Of Lesbianism was the healthiest choice I ever made.
Notice that I have used the word 'choice' more than once. Deciding to act as a lesbian was a conscious decision I made. I knew that I really was not gay, but lesbianism seemed like it might be a cool role to play. I became enticed by homosexual images presented by the media. Being gay was gaining popularity. Some of the hippest, artsy, theatrical, vegetarian young people were gay--just my crowd.
Since I was a little girl, boys had crushes on me and I had crushes on boys. However, I was raised in a protective environment; my father looked out for me and made sure that boys didn't take advantage. I was not even allowed to date--even in high school. I wanted to know what I was missing out on, so I decided to rebel. I went off the edge of morality. I decided to date boys, without my father knowing. To this day, I'm sorry that I was not obedient to him.
I was heading downhill on the road of rebellion--without brakes. Getting a tattoo and a piercing did not feel shocking enough, so I chose lesbianism as the ultimate shocker. Besides, lesbianism was something that straight girls were doing, in order to have more 'sex appeal' for the guys. Guys started to talk about how hot it would be to see two girls kiss--and some straight girls [like me] would go that far to please a guy.
In high school, lesbianism was just role-play; a couple of times I had a gay kiss, but not much more. It would feel abnormal and somewhat disturbing; the first gay kiss was kind of like the first time I tried alcohol: just like with drinking, an intoxicating feeling would come over me and lesbianism began to feel like an addiction and a sickness.
I gave up lesbianism because it made me feel sad, empty, unfulfilled, depleted, and very unnatural. However, years later, as a junior in college, after reading piles of lesbianism fiction, I decided to give it another try. In lesbian fiction, same-sex relations seemed so wonderful; in reality, it was nothing but mental confusion.
After a series of heterosexual break-ups, I thought lesbianism would be easier than going through the process of emotional healing, so in my pain, homosexuality, along with alcohol and cigarettes, became my fix. However, that "fix" was a total failure. I used lesbianism as a way to make myself unavailable to men--so they could look, but never touch. I was becoming an ultra-feminist, and believed that males were oppressive, so I foolishly thought that lesbianism would liberate me!
Today I live a healthy life, free from addiction and homosexuality. Of course, even the thought of acting as a lesbian, is an impossibility for me. Just imagine doing something way off color, and out of character; that is what lesbianism is like for a hetero-female. I can not think of one good lesbianhood memory; it would be like trying to find good in addiction or illness. True liberation happened for me through COOL [Coming Out Of Lesbianism].