Written By: Roger
One of the things I rarely talk about is that my same-sex attraction (SSA) was a direct result of my childhood sexual abuse . Having been sexualized by a male, and by my father, I became curious about others of my own sex at a very early age. Now most boys are curious about other boys at some point and that is normal. All boys wonder if they are the same as others; do I look the same, does ‘it’ work the same, etc. Nothing strange or gay about that and all little boys gravitate to their own sex in play and for friendships just like girls. I have seen little 4 and 5 years old boys holding hands and even kissing each other and it is cute, innocent and harmless. Left alone they grow out of it and can become best friends, which is a great thing.
There is a normal desire for what we now refer to as male bonding. Men need the approval, acceptance and yes, even the affection of other men. We need to belong and feel we belong, hence a boy’s natural gravitation to gangs and teams of all kinds especially given the lack of influence and/or presence of a father in our lives. A man’s life can become very unbalanced without other male influence.
The homosexual movement was designed to end the discrimination against homosexuals in our society but has done a great deal of damage, in my opinion, to the idea that two men can become best friends and have an intimate, non-sexual affection for each other. If two such men appear to be close, it is now more often than not assumed there is something sexual going on. The idea of brotherly love has been soiled probably for a long time by this.
Having said that, in my late teens and early twenties I just naturally assumed that when a friend wanted to be more than an acquaintance it meant dropping my pants and I don’t mean emotionally. I lost what probably would have been some really great friends due to my father’s idea of how two males who love each other should behave. I eventually got it but not before I mistakenly thought I was gay and spent a few years trying to live that life. Believe me there was nothing gay or happy about it for me. I was never so uncomfortable with myself - even in my first marriage - and I was pretty uncomfortable in that let me tell you.
I still have a same-sex attraction. I know what it is and where it comes from now. I know it is not the real me and I do not give into any of its desires. I love being married to my wife. We have all the usual adjustments most marrieds have, and more, due to the baggage we both brought to our marriage, but God did not design marriage to make us happy. He designed it to make us holy and I embrace it for the work it has done in both our lives.
God sees me as a man. I am seeing other men as God sees them too.